


Such Great Heights

by trucefully



Category: Bastille (Band)
Genre: American AU, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-01
Updated: 2018-02-01
Packaged: 2019-03-12 04:05:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13539342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trucefully/pseuds/trucefully
Summary: "I am thinking it's a sign, that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images. And when we kiss they're perfectly aligned." I sang softly, nearly overpowered by the sound of my guitar. I was rusty, but all in all I didn't think it sounded too terrible. I didn't dare glance up to see what my boys thought of it. "And I have to speculate, that God himself did make us into corresponding shapes. Like puzzle pieces from the clay. And true, it may seem like a stretch. But it's thoughts like this that catch my troubled head when you're away. When I am missing you to death."I had been stoic and strong through this whole thing. I had to, I wanted to for the sake of the men I loved. They needed an anchor, and I was capable. But playing one of Dan's favorite songs now hit me so painfully hard that I was afraid I would just lose it right then and there. I got the strong sense that this would be the last time.TW: terminal illness





	Such Great Heights

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: hi! i would just like to say that i hope this story won't offend or hurt anyone who has lost someone to a terminal illness. i've tried to keep it as vague as possible so i wouldn't be assuming to know the pains and details that ones goes through while experiencing it. this is a work of fiction and not meant to be harmful. and with that being said, this story does depict a poly relationship which was interesting to bring in with this story. idk how this is going to go in general tbh but here it is?

"Hey! You've reached the voicemail of Dan, Kyle, and Will. It's weird nobody answered because I'm a hermit and I'm usually home. I'm sure Callie would answer, but she's a cat and doesn't grasp the concept of telephones yet. So leave your name and number at the tone so we can decide if it's worth calling you back. Bye!"

I shook my head while listening to the message, leaning back in my office chair and and spinning in a circle. When the tone sounded, I sighed. "I forgot you still had that set as the greeting. Pick up, will you? I'm headed to the store after work. Wanna know if we need anything." I paused to allow him time to get to the phone. When there was still no answer, I stopped spinning aorund and sat up a little straighter in my chair. "Dan? Babe, pick up. Don't make me start worrying."

My anxiety was already starting to peak. I glanced at the clock, but I still had about a half an hour before I could justify leaving. I said quickly into the phone, "Call me when you get this. Love you, petal."

I snapped my flip phone shut and tapped it against my lips, trying to calm myself down. Dan felt great when Kyle and I left this morning. He was probably just napping or consumed with writing in the office.

To have some sense talked into me, I opened my phone once again, dialing Kyle this time. He answered on the second ring. "Hello there."

"Hey. Dan won't answer the home phone." I picked up a pen to tap nervously on the edge of my desk. The workers in the cubicles around me probably hated me for the noise on top of my constant phone calls, but I had learned a while ago to not care about what they thought. My first priority was always my boys, and the rest was trivial.

Kyle hummed. "Did you try his cell phone?"

"The one he claims to hate and left out in the rain Sunday? Doubt he knows where it is enough to answer."

"Fair point. Well, don't worry about it. I'm heading home right now and I'll call you when I find him. Okay? Deep breathes. It's going to be fine."

"Okay." I did take a couple deep breaths, trying to push the worst case scenario as far out of my mind as possible. "How long until you get home?"

"15 minutes tops." I could hear Kyle's keys rattling as he got into his car. "Expect a call in 20. It's going to be fine, love. Don't worry."

I closed my eyes, taking another deep breath. "Easier said than done."

Kyle laughed softly. "I know. Do you have your anxiety meds with you?"

"Yeah." I reached for the little bottle in my coat pocket and closed my fingers around it. I didn't like to take them, it felt like they slowed my brain down. But in most cases it was better that they actually do that than becoming a shaking, wheezing mess. 

"Take them if you need them. I'll be calling you very soon. Okay?"

"Okay. Thanks Kyle, I love you."

"I love you too. I'll speak to you soon. Bye."

"Bye, drive safe."

Hanging up left me with a more ominous feeling than I had before. I set my phone and medication next to my keyboard, trying to stay focused on wrapping up my reports for the day. My mind kept trying to wander to Dan, flashing mental images of him dead on the floor, or crashing his car on the way home from the doctor. My stomach churned violently, and I grabbed my pills without any further hesitation. I had started them after Dan first got diagnosed. And when it came back, my doctor had to double the dosage. 

With all this on my mind and pills sliding into my stomach with a splash of cold coffee, I knew I was going to be useless for the rest of the day. I shut down my computer and packed my things slowly, keeping a careful eye on the clock. Time was not merciful to me today. It was going so slow that I swore the hands were ticking backwards.

I gave Kyle his 15 painful minutes to get home. Even with my medication kicking in, I couldn't stop worrying. Something felt wrong about all of this. Dan had missed my calls plenty of times before, and I never got quite the feeling of dread that I had now. I worried, but I didn't ever break down.

Time was too slow, and my fear was growing too fast. I couldn't stay there anymore. I grabbed my backpack and jacket and took off for the door. If I got in trouble, so be it. I needed to get home.

As I was exiting through the main lobby, my cell phone blared a little digital chime with an incoming call. I quickly answered, holding my breath. "Kyle?"

"I can't find him."

I halted just outside the doors of my office building, his words bringing a faint ring in my ears. Every inch of my skin turned to ice, and I stumbled a bit as I started to move forward. I knew I should say something, but I was too afraid.

Kyle started to cry, trying to muffle it. "He's not here, Will. His car is out front, but the house is empty. Will..."

"I... I'm coming home right now. Check around the garden and up the road with Mrs. Yamada. DO you want me to stay on the phone?"

"Please." Kyle sniffled. "Just so I don't freak out."

"I'm right here." I assured him, though I couldn't quite bring myself to tell him that it would be okay. I wasn't sure of that at this point, and a lie would only hurt us more.

I put my phone on speaker when I got in my car. I worked a little bit closer to home, and I knew some back roads that would get me there fast if I sped. I never told Kyle and Dan about this route, sometimes I wanted the excuse of getting stuck in traffic for why I came home last. I felt bad, but sometimes I just couldn't face a full night at home with the sadness.

Our home was on the very outskirts of town. We had a small house on an open plot of land with our backward bordered by a forest. Dan had his eye on the house for years, and when we decided it was time to move from our tiny apartment, Kyle and I made his dream a reality. I wouldn't ever forget his face when we drove to the new place after signing the papers. We kept it from Dan up until the point that we pulled into the driveway. Kyle turned in his seat and said, "Told you we would take you home." Dan cried for a couple hours after that, but he looked so happy that the tears on his cheeks seemed out of place. 

The only thing I resented about moving there now was the distance. I used to be able to walk to and from my office, but now the drive added stress with Dan's situation. Still, he refused to move anywhere else. The house with the swing in the back and a garden brimming with flowers was his own personal paradise. We didn't have the heart to force him out of it.

Halfway home, Kyle's voice came on the line. "I can't find him int he garden or the shed. I'm going to drive to Mrs. Yamada. Stay on, okay?"

His voice was strained, and I knew he was trying hard to hold it together, as was I. "Okay sweetheart. I'm not going anywhere. When I get back I'll walk down to the forest."

"Good idea." I heard his car door slam and the engine start up. We both sat in silence, focused on our destinations. I gripped the steering wheel and turned sharply on to the little dirt road that lead up the hillside our house was on. We had a few neighbors on the same stretch of road, but they were about a mile apart, and even further as the road wound up the mountain. We only knew the little old lady aorund the bend, and Dan had really taken a shining to her recently. It wasn't uncommon for him to pass time with her over tea until Kyle and I got off work. But he always called before hand so that we wouldn't worry like this.

I was approaching our house just in time to see Kyle swerving aorund the corner. "Slow down, Ky." I said, pulling into the driveway.

"Sorry." He said, but I knew he didn't heed my warning. I could still hear the gravel hitting the bottom of his car through the phone.

Our house stood in the bright afternoon as if nothing had changed, or was missing. Like the very heart of the place hadn't left a gaping black hole with his disappearance.

I parked behind Dan's car, which was neatly in place as it always was. I took my cell phone with me and got out of the car. I made my way around the house, scouring for Dan with every step. I didn't know where I expected to find him, I was just hoping he would be breathing when I did.

"Has Dan been around today?" I heard Kyle ask with his phone still on speaker. Mrs. Yamada replied, but it was too muffled for me to make out what she said. Kyle's next statement answered the question for me. "Okay. If you see him, please call us."

"Shit," I whispered, jogging away from the house and towards the towering line of pine trees across our backyard. 

Before i passed the wooden bench swing, Kyle called into the phone, "Wait up. I'm going to come with you, just in case."

"Hurry." I said briefly, then shut my phone. My brain had come to a weird intersection where my panic and meds balanced out, and my body was caught in the middle ground. I had all sorts of terrifying thoughts going through my head, but my body displayed an eerie calm. No more shaking or crying, just mental torment. 

Footsteps came towards me from behind. I knew who it was, but my heart still held some sort of hope that it would be Dan walking back. But it was Kyle practically sprinting to me. His eyes were red, and his brown hair a mess. I opened my arms and let him barrel into me, his sobs making his thing shoulders shake. I had noticed him starting to lose weight recently, and I worried a lot about it. But he didn't seem to want to care about anyone's health other than Dan's, especially not his own.

"He couldn't have gotten far, he gets tired walking from one end of the house to the other." I peppered small kisses along the side of his face, slowly letting him go. "He went to treatment today, didn't he? He should be exhausted."

Kyle nodded, wiping his eyes and taking in a shaky breath. "It's a nice day. Maybe he took a walk."

"He probably did. Sounds like him, doesn't it? Wandering off and getting lost in his own head." Kyle laughed a little, and I linked our fingers together. "Come on. We can probably lap him if we speed walk."

"Okay." Kyle looked slightly more at ease, but his worried eyes still scanned the yellow grass as we walked through it. I kept my eyes on the trees, trying to figure out where exactly he would enter, and where he might collapse once inside.

"Dan!" Kyle cupped his hands over his mouth and shouted towards the trees. I joined him, and we both called out for our missing piece. We wandered into the trees with no real plan, because we had an equal chance of finding him either way.

We walked and we shouted, but there was no response from Dan. I could see Kyle getting closer to hysterics, checking around every tree and behind every bush. I knew I would be in the same state without my medication, but I was scarily numbed. I just wanted Dan back, and to go home and feel safe again.

I wasn't sure how long we looked, but Kyle's voice was starting to get hoarse, and my legs were tired from behind sedated by my medication. I put a hand on my boyfriend's shoulder to slow him down. "I think maybe we should call the police." I said, even though it sickened me. We hadn't gotten as far as we could, the path wound up further through the trees. But the likelihood that Dan had went that far was next to none. 

Kyle stared at me with wide, terrified eyes. Slowly, he nodded his agreement, taking my hand and allowing himself to be lead back the way we came.

"He's probably just lost somewhere." I tried to sound reassuring, to convince the both of us.

Flinching, Kyle squeezed my hand. "In his condition, he could be-"

"Don't say that." I cut him off. "The doctor said we have months still."

"Months. That's not long enough when we were supposed to all grow old together." Kyle said softly, hiccuping as he started to cry again. "Who even knows if we have that now?"

I pulled him close to me, trying to hold back on my own tears. "We have time. We're lucky for what we have. He's not gone yet just lost. We'll find him."

It felt like an eternity before we broke out of the trees and into our backyard. I looked up past the swing to where our little home rested by the dirt road. All the lights were on in the windows and started to flow in the dark gulch. The sun wasn't down quite yet, but living in the shadow of a mountain top meant we saw it for a lot less time than people in the valley would. That also meant the temperatures would be starting to drop, and Dan was in a fragile enough condition as it was. 

We walked along the side of the house towards the front door. Kyle had his phone out and was pressing the buttons for the police, his fingers trembling. We passed by Dan's car, and I stopped and looked in on his seat. His house keys were laid on the passenger side. I tugged on Kyle's sleeve just before he hit the call button. "He didn't go inside."

"Oh, Dan." Kyle moaned, putting his hand on the glass. "Where on earth..."

I was busy scouring the inside of the car, searching desperately for any other clues that he may have left. It wasn't like him at all to just vanish like this. He knew how that would break us down into pieces. The more I thought about the odd situation, the more convinced I was that he was in serious danger.

As I was starting to pull open the door and retrieve Dan's keys, a sharp gasp from Kyle nearly made me bump my head on the roof of the car. "Dan!" Kyle bolted towards the road. Hearing his name shouted in relief rather than searching didn't bring me the peace of mind that I thought it would. I abandoned the car, looking to the road.

Dan was standing int he center of the dirt road. He had no shoes on his feet, and one of Kyle's sweatshirts hung loose on his tiny frame. He had his calico cat carded in his arms, and he looked exhausted and sad. Kyle stopped just short of him, and Dan took a tiny step in his direction.

I joined by Kyle's side, staring at our pale and shivering boyfriend. Callie, his cat, growled when I got too close. She always hated me for some reason, but she loved Dan, so we kept her around. Dan set her down, and she bolted back towards the house. 

"Where have you been?" Kyle was the first to break the silence. He had his arms folded tightly, holding himself back form grabbing Dan. He wanted to comfort the poor man, but he was hurt himself.

Dan arched his shoulders, looking at the ground. "It was a nice day, so I walked up the hill a bit and took a nap int he sun. Then I heard you calling, and the sun was going away..."

"Your shoes?" I asked.

"Don't recall where I put them."

He was lying. Kyle and I shared a troubled look. A lot had been going on recently, but Dan had never had a reason to outright lie to us. Whatever he had actually gone through, he didn't want us to know.

The sick man glanced up at us hesitantly. "Can we go inside please? I'm cold. I don't feel well."

To both our surprise, Kyle turned and stormed off to the house without another word. Dan and I watched him until the screen door slammed. I sighed, putting an arm around Dan and pulling him to my chest. He buried his face against the starched collar of my work shirt, and the chill of his skin concerned me even more. I enveloped him with both my arms to try and warm him up.

"You scared us both to death." I mumbled, kissing the top of his head. "What were you thinking?"

"I wasn't." Dan admitted quietly. "I'm sorry, Will. I'm sorry."

I scooped him into my arms. It got easier to lift him everyday. "Kyle needs to hear that more than I do right now. But give him a minute to calm down. He's probably hyperventilating in the bathroom."

Dan clung to me as I carried him through the front door, which was sliding glass so that he could look down the gulch. He claimed it helped with his creative flow, especially during storms. I knew that he would be ready to sleep right away, so I took him to our bedroom.

When I laid him down on the bed to rest, he refused to let go of me, hugging my neck and dragging me down onto the bed with him. I chuckled, giving up on trying to stand and laying on top of him. Dan was smiling, and that was always my favorite sight. We could be surrounded by the most beautiful scenery, and I wouldn't lose my breath until I saw his smile.

He shifted me onto my side, our legs tangled with one anthers, and our faces just inches apart. His deep blue eyes searched my face. "You know I love you, right?" He whispered, his fingertips ghosting along my jaw. "I always have. I always will. No matter how far I go."

As much as I loved to hear this, it gave me a dull ache in my heart when he talked like he planned on leaving us soon. The doctors kept telling us about how much time we had with him, all the hours and months we could spend together. But it hardly mattered, because the time would run out. Everyone's life had an end, but not everyone could predict it. Having to live with your own death hanging above your head wasn't living any longer. It was waiting.

"I'll carry you in my heart until I join you in the ground." I said softly, pulling him close and pressing my lips against his forehead. "Even when you scare the shit out of me for a damn walk in the forest, you own half my heart."

He giggled, looking up at me. "Who owns the other half?"

"Kyle does." I said. Dan liked to play this childish game where he asked a million questions just to hear answers he already knew. I never minded. 

"And when I'm gone, will you two stay together? 'Cos I think you make a cute couple."

"We decided that we would. You were there, petal."

"I know. Who's gonna look after Callie?"

"Kyle will have to. She hates me."

"She's a good judge of character."

"Hey!"

Dan and I laughed, and I kissed at the corner of his mouth until he connected our lips. He was steadily warming up after being out in the chilly air, and I was winding down on my panic. He hadn't been truthful about why he left in the first place, but he was home and safe now. I couldn't really complained. It just mattered that he was okay. 

Outside the bedroom door, we heard Kyle exit the bathroom and walk across the small house to the kitchen. Dan's smile faded, and he tucked his head under my chin. "Will you convince Kyle to come in here so I can apologize? Remind him how cute I am, and how much he loves me."

I ruffled his hair, then kissed the top of his head. "Okay. You need to rest for a bit. He's probably going to need quite a bit of convincing."

"Alright." Dan let me go, grabbing my pillow when I got off the bed and hugging it to his chest. "And could you maybe grab my tape recorder so I can make some notes?"

I stopped by the dresser, searching on the cluttered top through all the photos and trinkets until I found the small grey recorder. I checked that the tape was inside, then tossed it onto the bed in front of him. "Don't stay up too long."

"Yes, mother." He rolled his eyes fondly, then grabbed his recorder. "Shoo. I can't think around other people."

I chuckled, but i left him alone with his thoughts. I left the door cracked a bit in case he needed to shout for us, then walked across the small house to the kitchen.

The house was shaped something like an "I". The top half, facing the forest was split into two sections by a counter to create a kitchen and dining room. The bottom half facing the road had a bathroom with a bedroom and an office. The middle was our living room with a sofa and TV that we hardly ever used. Mostly just had it to make it seem like a complete home.

The kitchen had a back door leading out a porch that the previous owner had chose to lay carpet on, and we had never bothered to replace it. It was weather resistant and pretty comfortable, so there was really no point. The porch had a couple wicker chairs to sick on, and a great view across our yard to the line of pines. 

I found Kyle there now, sitting on the scratchy carpet with a mug in his hands. He only blinked when I sat beside him, his eyes trained on the darkening horizon blankly. I sat so that our legs touched, and I looked at the uneventful scenery with him in silence.

When Kyle's drink was half empty, he finally spoke. "Why did he lie? I mean, after everything we've seen him go through. There's no reason. So why?"

I took in a deep breath of the crisp mountain air. "I'm honestly not sure, sweetheart. He's a dying man. Not everything he does is going to make sense to us. I don't think he had any intentions of hurting us, though."

"Well, he did." Kyle took another sip, trying to battle another set of tears.

"He wants to apologize to you." I murmured, placing a gentle kiss on his cheekbone. "You could at least hear him out."

Kyle shook his head briskly. "Not until I stop being angry. Otherwise I might yell and say something I regret."

We didn't have a lot of time with Dan, and we couldn't waste precious seconds and words in anger. We were always honest when we got upset, but he wouldn't speak about it in the heat of the moment. But with Dan doing little more than seeing doctors and being suck we didn't often butt heads anymore. This was one of the few times since the illness came back.

The only sound for a long time was the quiet rumble of the wind slipping through the trees. It sometimes was hard to distinguish the wind from the echo of a vehicle coming up the road from the bottom. I Never used to think that living in nature would be so loud. The city bustled during the day, but at night, everything was still and quiet. The nights here were an orchestra of the trees and animals that sang on through the darkness.

Eventually, another sound joined in the harmony. This one came form inside the house. Muffled at first, but then got louder. Dan's voice. He was weaving a story into his tape recorder, lost in the imagery that was flashing through his head and not realizing how loud he was talking. Kyle and I both stilled, listening closely to him.

"Seven boys int he heat of summer, standing on the edge of a cliff. They're looking down at the river not far below them, but it seems higher because they're nervous. Rivers are... They're like the veins of the forest, aren't they? But the forest has no skin. Has... Has nothing to hide. Or is it trusting? That's really sad considering the alarming rate of deforestation. And the fact that these kids are about to jump into its veins and splash in its blood."

Kyle slapped a hand over his mouth, and we both tried very hard to keep our laughter quiet so that he wouldn't know we could hear him. It was always interesting to me how his thoughts could come out so jagged and comical when he spoke his ideas, but he could sculpt those exact words into something breath-taking. He explained to me that writing was like watching a movie in his head. Each scene repeated until he got it absolutely right. He tried to analyze the segment in his mind from each tone he incorporated in the whole of the book. The process made little sense to me, but I supposed that it wasn't really for me to understand. He was the one with three published books. I was just the guy who read them.

"Extended note; How did cliff diving become a thing?" Dan's voice carried on. "Was someone set on ending their lives, but wound up actually having a grand time?"

That broke our resolve, and the both of us laughed. Dan either didn't hear us or didn't care. He carried on his ramblings, and we eased our laughter to a happy stop. I leaned against Kyle, linking our fingers together.

"God, I love that boy." Kyle sighed, closing his eyes. "He's sure kept his personality through this."

"It's hard to tame something that wild." I chuckled, resting my cheek against his head. 

Kyle finished his drink, then sat a while against me until the sun was gone, and the stars came out to dance in the sky. Dan had gotten quiet again a while ago. Finally, Kyle stood up and said, "I'm going to go talk to him."

I kissed him briefly. "I'll wait out here a while. Get things settled."

"I'll try."

He left me on the porch, and all I had were the stars for company. I watched the millions of them sparkling above me, occasionally streaking across the others to try and steal the limelight.

I tried not to do a lot of thinking about what happened today. I knew whatever happened, it was a bad thing. The answers laid just beneath the surface of my mind, ready to spring out and drag me into despair. It was off behavior, I knew it was. Something was terribly wrong. I was too afraid to face it.

Whatever happened, I had a sinking feeling that today was the beginning of the end.

 

\---

 

Dan woke up in the tiny hours between night and morning. It wasn't uncommon for him to rush out of the bed to be sick, or to walk around the house and clear his mind of all the dark thoughts that surely plagued him. The only problem was that he chose to sleep squished between Kyle and I, so he had to climb over one of us to get off the bed. Tonight, it was me that he rolled over to escape.

He didn't seem to be in a rush, so I didn't bother getting up with him to sooth him through a violent spell of nausea. He paused as he passed over me to kiss my temple, then left the bedroom as quietly as a ghost. In the absence of our partner, Kyle moved closer to me in his sleep. I draped my arm over him and listened to the quiet tick of the clock to lull me back to sleep.

Just before my mind could wander off into a dream, I heard the back door open and shut. That jolted my brain awake quickly, and I raised my head. With how strangely Dan had been acting today, him leaving worried me quite a lot. I didn't want him to run off into the trees and get himself hurt.

As carefully as I could, I moved away from Kyle and got off the bed. I didn't want to alarm him after all he had been through today. But he noticed my absence instantly, blinking awake and looking at me in confusion. 

"I heard the back door." I explained in a whisper. "Just wanted to make sure that he's alright."

Kyle nodded, getting out of bed as well. He was barely awake, but I was glad to have some form of back up if things went wrong. We both kept quiet, creeping towards the back of the house. When we were almost to the kitchen, Dan's voice froze us in our tracks.

It wafted from the back porch, without the vigor that his storytelling voice had. He was soft, melancholy, defeated. Like the sad song of a lonely bird. He was telling a story, but not one that was fictional. 

"Last week, Mrs. Yamada and I talked about pets. I've only ever had Callie, but I've always wanted a dog. Mrs. Yamada has had about a dozen in all her years of living, which is admirable. If I were going to live, I would make it a goal to beat her record. Well... Will says that a dog would be too cheerful for our house. But I would convince him." He paused to laugh, and I smiled a bit. "But she told me about one experience that stuck out to me for quite a few reasons.

"She told me about a couple decades ago when she and her husband were living alone with their golden retriever. The dog... I think his name was Tom, or something weirdly plain like that. Anyway, he got really sick. Wouldn't eat, wouldn't play, wouldn't do much other than lay around. Of course, Mrs. Yamada planned on taking him to the vet. But before the appointment date, Tom disappeared off the back porch. 

"They had never had problems with Tom running off before. When she called the vet's office, they advised her of what a dog may do if they know the end is near. They apparently have some sort of sense for when the end is, and they'll go off to be in peace when they pass. And that's just what Tom did. Mrs. Yamada found his favorite tennis ball a few feet from the woodshed like a pointer, and then poor Tom inside. He had been dead a while."

My mind flashed to Dan coming out of the forest with Callie in his arms. He said he had taken a nap in the sun. Maybe he did. Maybe he didn't intend to wake up.

Dan's voice lost more strength. He sounded like he was wilting. "Treatment was hard today... Or, yesterday I suppose. My friend Annie didn't show, and someone else had taken her place in that waiting room. I know what that means. I've already done this pointless battle once before. At her stage, she either died or got moved to a hospital to die. And it doesn't surprise me. She looked so thin, and so ghastly with all her hair gone. I knew it was a matter of days. And for some reason, I still wasn't prepared. I wasn't at peace.

"That treatment made me feel like I was dying. I threw up so much, and my first handful of hair came out. Might be best at this point to just shave it off. I looked in the mirror, and I saw the ghost of Annie looking back at me. People who die from this all look the same. Now I'm just clone they'll cycle through their systems until they spit me out into a grave. I made it to remission once, but that's not going to happen again."

He broke off to have a coughing fit, his failing lungs betraying his monologue. I felt like I was numbed, and I glanced over to Kyle. He was standing as till as a deer caught in headlights, but thick tears marked trails down his cheeks.

"I thought it was my time. I don't have sense like a dog, I'm not sure what dying feels like. I guess I just assumed that it's a whole lot of pain, and wishing you were dead. That was yesterday for me. And so... So I went into the forest. Callie followed me. I left my shoes somewhere along the way, hoping they would be a pointer... I just kept walking until I couldn't anymore. Then, I laid down under a tree, and I was ready to let go.

"But that wasn't the end. I heard Will and Kyle calling for me. I came back down to them. I felt better. And I guess that means I have no idea what dying actually feels like, which is terrifying. I'm not that far into treatment this time around, either. It doesn't get better, I know that. They just try to make me ride into the plot as easy as possible.

"I think that they should focus more on making it easier for my loved ones. My boyfriends are really taking it hard. It's nice because I know that means they love me a whole lot. But they shouldn't have to suffer beside me. Guess that's part of why I went up the mountain. I was hoping it was over, and it could be a peaceful passing for all of us."

Kyle turned and bolted back to the bedroom with a small cry of anguish. I followed him quickly, even though my legs felt like lead. Dan probably knew that we had been listening now. It didn't matter. Time was too limited to hold secrets. Especially if Dan was already feeling the call of the end.

I caught Kyle just inside the bedroom door, hugging him tightly from behind. He was sobbing now, his legs trying to buckle underneath him. He clutched my arms, his sadness ripping from his chest and tumbling from his lips.

"It's not fair! It's not fucking fair! This stupid fucking disease, he didn't do anything to deserve it... We didn't do anything to deserve to lose him. It's not fair that he has to go, and all we can do is watch him because there's no fucking cure! It's not-" His voice rose with each aimless sentence until his words were indistinguishable from his wailing. I tried to shush him, rocking him and placing kisses anywhere my lips could reach. I couldn't explain why I wasn't falling to pieces like he was. My heart was twisted with pain and grief, but I just couldn't bring myself to cry it out. The pain festered inside my rib cage because I knew that was no point questioning or hoping. We were going to lose Dan. That was that.

I managed to get Kyle to sit down on the edge of the bed, kneeling in front of him. "Deep breathes, angel. Very slowly." I murmured, holding his shaking hands in mine.

Kyle shook his head weakly, his breath coming up in short little gasps. I tried to massage his hands, worried he would have a full blown panic attack added to the already crazy day if he couldn't slow down. I tried to recall where he stashed his inhaler he always claimed that he didn't need.

Just as I was about to get up and start searching for it, Dan knelt by my side as silently as he came in. Kyle looked at him with a mixture of confusion and heartache, just distracted enough to ease his harsh breathing for a bit.

Dan suddenly tackled him backwards onto the bed. He held Kyle securely, laid on top of him like a blanket. "Save your tears for my funeral, yeah? If you don't cry, I'm going to haunt you."

"St-stop talking like that." Kyle choked out, hiding his face against Dan's shoulder. I sat back on my heels, watching them with an oddly detached feeling.

Dan laughed. "Why? Babe, I'm a novel writer, and I'm about to tell you to be realistic. That's saying a whole lot."

I stood up, walking around them to the other side of the bed. I propped our unreasonable amount of pillows up against the headboard, then climbed on and rested my back against them. My movement caught Dan's eye, and he nudged Kyle up towards my side.

Kyle rested under my arm, and Dan curled himself up in Kyle's lap. Dan and I stayed close and quiet while our boyfriend came down from panic. By the time he was settled, the sun was starting to peak in through the bedroom window. I was nodding off, but was kept awake every time Dan had a coughing fit. I saw how much it hurt him, tears pricking the corner of his eyes when the fits would pass away for a few more minutes.

Kyle fell dead asleep from pure exhaustion. Dan wasn't far behind, his face pale and making the bags under his eyes look like bruises. Just before the alarm went off on our clock, I switched it off so that we could all sleep a while longer. 

I wondered how many more mornings like this we would get. The fear that our mornings together were limited kept me awake, despite how my mind was begging me for sleep. I kept a hold on both my boys and tried to make a permanent memory in my mind of how it felt to have them sleeping in my arms.

 

\---

 

The rest of the week tumbled by in somewhat of a haze.I tried my best to lose myself in work so I didn't have to think about my boyfriend dying at home. I wasn't working as well as I used to, and I was practically sobbing with relief by the time the weekend rolled around.

Saturday mornings at home were my favorite. Dan would bring his writing projects out of the office and into the living room where I could watch him construct his stories, and Kyle would cook breakfast for all of us. It was a ritual we did every weekend, and I prayed that it wouldn't change until Dan physically couldn't make it anymore.

Presently, Dan had little stacks of lined paper laid in rows across the living room floor. Each pile was a chapter, and some stacks had going on twenty pages while others only had one or two. He always wrote straight through the entire story first and then divided it off into sections after. I was always marveling at his process, because I was an avid reader. I never gave much thought as to how the books were actually written. Living with Dan created and satisfied that curiosity. And whenever I read other author's books, I always pondered if they had the same habits as my boyfriend. Like the specific type of temperature he needed, or the way he carefully crossed out his misspelled words with purple ink.

Dan was tired today. He didn't say so, but he wasn't racing up and down the line of papers, organizing like he normally did. Instead he was laying on his back beside the line, holding a sheet of paper above his face as he read through it. I was lounging on the couch and keeping an eye on him, but not disrupting his thoughts with mindless chatter.

"Will, love? Could you set the table for me?" Kyle called to me from the kitchen.

I sighed and forced myself up off the couch. The morning was already promising a hot day, heating up the house along with Kyle at the stove. He had the door by the kitchen open, and I slid open the glass door in the living room as well to cycle the hot air through.

The papers on the floor rustled, and Dan whined. "I'm working here-" His protest was cut off by a harsh cough.

"Sit up, it'll help you breathe better." I said gently, holding out a hand to him.

He knew he was in no position to argue. When his coughing settled, he grabbed my hand and let me pull him into a sitting position. His face paled, and he closed his eyes with a little gasp. I stayed by him with a look of concern. "Something hurt, petal?"

Dan did his best to smile. "No. Just a little sick. I'm fine, quit stalling and go set the table."

Hesitantly, I left him to his work. Bugging him about it might make it worse, so I let him go about his business pretending like he was fine. I went into the kitchen quietly, grabbing plats and silverware for the three of us and setting it neatly onto our little table. Kyle brought over food as he finished it. He gave me a silent look that asked about Dan, but I just shrugged my shoulders. If he had any say in it, Dan wouldn't even let us know he was sick in the first place. But it was hard to hide something like this.

"Dan, breakfast is ready." Kyle said as he set a plate of pancakes on the table.

"Alright." Dan greed softly from the other room.

I sat down at the table with a clear view of Dan. Kyle went back into the kitchen to fetch some syrup. Things were going smoothly.

Until Dan stood up. I had an awful feeling even before the light left Dan's eyes. and he collapsed to the ground. He landed on top of his papers, scattering them all over the carpet and sending a few scuttling towards the open door. I was already running from the table to gather him up, my mouth moving in what i hoped was a way that would tell Kyle to call for an ambulance.

I couldn't hear. I couldn't think. All I knew was that Dan was on his descent down, and this wouldn't be the worst of it.

 

\---

 

"It's just one of those things."

We were told to expect more of this. We had the complexity lung failure coupled with sickness from treatments explained. We got numerous suggestions to not check Dan out and take him home, as he would likely be here again in a short amount of time.

I stood in the doorway of Dan's room and talked softly with his doctor. When he brought up the prospect of maybe keeping Dan in hospice, I looked over my shoulder to my boyfriend.

Dan was sitting up in his bed, and Kyle was with him. They sat on opposite sides of his food tray and were using straws to blow around an ice cube on the plastic surface. They made makeshift goals out of a shredded paper cup, and the both of them were laughing to hard to keep the game competitive.

"I'll talk to him about it." I told the doctor, glancing back. "But unless there's absolutely no other choice, I think that the answer will be no."

The doctor looked at me as though he pitied me. "We can never force someone to stay here. It would just be easier, since he's coming to the end."

His words were like a blow to my stomach. I barely had the air to whisper, "I thought... I thought we had months still..."

"That was a couple months ago." He explained gently, giving my shoulder a brief squeeze. "It's time to start preparing. Things aren't getting better. All we can do is keep him comfortable."

With Dan's death sentence on my head, I returned to my boyfriends. They had stopped their game in favor of Kyle trying to toss the little chunks of ice into Dan's open mouth, which made them laugh even harder. I doubted this bleak room had ever seen so much joy.

Dan beamed at me as I sat on the edge of the bed. "The doctors want me to stay hydrated, so I get to eat ice all day." He explained. Kyle threw another bit of ice at his cheek, and Dan wiped the little smudge of water with a pout. "Hey! I wasn't ready."

"I know." Kyle said sweetly.

I tried to smile, but it wouldn't stick. Dan studied me as he popped another ice cube into his mouth. "Did they tell you that I don't have long?"

The way he could talk so casually about his death always made me want to cry. He was at peace with the inevitable. I still couldn't bear to think of the moment he would slip away from us. I nodded silently. Kyle's expression faded into sadness as well.

Our boyfriend sighed, pushing the tray aside and patting the spaces on either side of him. Kyle and I barely fit on the bed with him, but we made it work. My head was on Dan's thin shoulder, and I could hear his breath rattling in his chest.

"I want to go home for one week." Dan said, soothing a hand down my side when I flinched. "Just a week, please. I was told I need to get my affairs in order. I want to finish my book and say my goodbyes to our home. Then I promise that I'll come straight here and let them poke me with needles until I croak. Okay?"

Across his chest, I looked at Kyle. It was painful that seeing him with tears in his eyes was such a common sight at this point. When our eyes connected, thought, he looked absolutely sure. "I think that's a great idea, petal."

 

\---

 

Monday, Dan came home. He had about a hundred medications to take through the week, so many that we had to use two pill cases, but he was home. He found Callie on the couch and scooped her up, facing me and Kyle. "Okay. I need to ask a favor."

We glanced at each other, then looked at him. "What is it?" Kyle asked.

He reached up and rand a hand through his dark hair, coming back with a handful of the strands that had fallen out. "Help me shave my head?"

So, we set up a barber shop on the back porch. Dan sat with his legs dangling over the edge, and Kyle held his hands for moral support. I was in charge of doing the actual shaving, kneeling behind him. i switched on the clippers and Dan took a deep breath.

"You sure about this?" I asked, hesitating myself.

Dan nodded quickly. "Do it, please. It's going to all fall out anyway."

I bit my bottom lip. "Alright. Here we go."

Pressing the clippers to Dan's head, I think I was more nervous than he was. It wasn't that I thought he would be unattractive without his hair. He was beautiful to me no matter what. It just seemed like this was what sealed the fate of having this illness. There was no turning back now.

Most of his hair just fell out without having to be cut. I watched the chunks of dark strands blow away in the breeze towards the forest. Pieces of him that would get caught in the green branches or drifting who knew how far before they broke into tiny pieces. He would be a part of the forest for a long time after he died.

I thought of this until all his hair was gone, and all that was left was a bit of stubble. "There we are." I said, brushing some left over pieces from the back of his neck.

Dan let out his breath as though he had been holding it the entire time. "Oh, God. How bad is it?"

Kyle studied Dan a while, and I hopped off the porch to get a better look. Dan watched us warily with his deep blue eyes.

"I'm not gonna bullshit you," Kyle said, folding his arms. "But... I'm kind of into it. Like, I wish you had tried it sooner."

I nodded my agreement with Kyle, adding, "It's different, for sure. But not bad at all. You look kinda badass."

The worry evaporated from his face when he saw that we were being genuine. He brightened up. "Really?"

"Absolutely." We said at the same time.

Dan slid off the porch carefully, then barreled into us with a hug. We held on to him tightly, and Kyle peppered the top of his freshly shaven head with kisses. 

"Thanks for not thinking I'm ugly." Dan mumbled, turning his face towards Kyle's kisses until he caught a few on his lips.

I laughed and tucked my head against his shoulder. "As if. Hey, maybe we should shave off Kyle's mustache while we're at it. Or even my beard. We could all be bald."

Kyle gasped in horror, which made Dan laugh so hard he coughed for a solid ten seconds. "No, please. He would probably kill the both of us." Dan giggled, bumping his nose against mine. "How about we just go make lunch and watch hockey like the lazy bunch we are?"

We could do anything. Dan's time was limited, and he likely had a whole lifetime worth of things that he wanted to do. But he suggested something that we could do any old day. It struck me hard then, that we weren't going to have these simple little moments anymore. Dan knew that we would go to whatever limits he wanted to make sure his last days were exactly as he dreamed. And still, he just wanted to cuddle on the couch with Kyle's cooking and just be together. 

"Couldn't think of anything I'd rather do." I agreed, kissing Dan's cheek and pulling the both of them in close to me. 

No, it didn't matter how our last days with him were spent. Just as long as we were together.

 

\---

 

Tuesday had just barely started when Dan shook me awake. "Will! Will!" He hissed, pushing at my shoulder to try and sit me up.

"What?" I forced my eyes open, sitting up with a yawn. "What's wrong?"

"Can you hear it?" He asked me urgently. When I only blinked at him sleepily, he sighed and turned to wake Kyle up. "Hey, hey. Can you hear that?"

"You're not making any sense." I mumbled, rubbing my eyes.

Dan shook Kyle's leg. "It's the sound-"

"What the fuck?" Kyle complained drowsily.

"It's the sound of adventure calling our names."

I was so busy trying to figure out whether or not he had actually lost his mind that I didn't have time to say anything before he crawled off the bed and ran out of the room. Kyle had just barely opened his eyes, and he sat up quickly when Dan vanished. I looked at the clock and squinted until the numbers came into focus. "It's 4 AM." I reported.

Kyle groaned and stuffed a pillow over his face. "He's going to be the death of me." 

I laughed and got myself out of bed. Kyle and I had both decided that it would be a good time to use our vacation hours we had planned on using for a trip to Italy with Dan next year. Since the trip was basically cancelled with the diagnosis, we had time. Dan didn't have a whole lot of that left. It was time to accept that and give him what hours we could.

The morning was peaceful and quiet. The sun had just barely started to peak in the sky, turning the cloudless stretch a grayish-blue. I admired it through the sliding glass door as I shuffled towards the kitchen.

At the counter, Dan was starting a pot of coffee. He was working through his second set of pulls. I was about to call out a greeting when he opened the pills for Saturday, searching through the stash and grabbing an extra pain pill. I watched him swallow it down and hold on tot he edge of the counter for balance. I gave him a moment so that he wouldn't know that I saw him taking extra pills to fight his immense pain. That would leave him to suffer through his last day here, if he made it that long.

"What do you have planned?" I asked as casually as I could, acting like I had just barely wandered in.

Dan looked over his shoulder at me and smiled. "Adventure." He said simply.

I rolled my eyes fondly. "Meaning what, exactly?"

"Exactly." He snapped his fingers. "Not knowing is the adventure."

I pulled a mug out of the cupboard and filled it with coffee, sighing. "Alright, I guess. Good luck getting Kyle out of bed though."

Before Dan could take off again, Kyle trudged out of our bedroom, running a hand through his wild brown hair. "Already done." He grumbled, walking into Dan's open arms and leaning against him. "I'm pissed about it though."

"You won't be pissed when you see it." Dan ruffled his hair and kissed his jaw. 

We each had coffee to help us wake up, then dressed to go outside in the crisp morning. It was a slow and quiet way to start off the day, not much talking except to help find light jackets and walking shoes. I didn't realize how much time I had spent in my business professional clothing until I was lacing up my boots instead of dress shoes. I looked at the pair of shiny black shoes waiting by the door, feeling a bit sick at how often I chose them over adventures with my boys in the past. 

Dan was moving surprisingly fast. He yanked on his yellow beanie and pulled us both towards the back door, set on getting us to a destination that we weren't even sure of yet. We had no plans, but Kyle did pack a couple of disposable cameras just in case. Dan's undying enthusiasm carried over into us and helped us keep up with our boyfriend. We walked through the dew laden grass, always a couple feet behind him on a march towards the forest.

The morning was clear, and I remember what made me fall in love with our little patch of property in the first place. There wasn't anything that could top the smell of the forest in the morning. The ferns brushed our legs, and the morning birds sang in the branches above our heads.

Dan wandered  up a bit, and Kyle fell in step with me. "I have the rings." He said quietly.

I took in a deep breath, the air now feeling damp and heavy. I looked at Kyle, but he had his eyes focused on Dan.

"We kept saying we would do this." He reminded me. "We're not sure how many more good days like this we're going to have. It's literally now or never, Will."

"I know. I just... I don't want to make him sad." I whispered.

Kyle shook his head. "It won't he would want this. To know that we intend to keep him forever."

The anxiety nagged at me as we continued our walk, sometimes following Dan only by the sound of his humming as he pulled ahead of us. When we were sure he couldn't see, Kyle placed a gold band on my finger, then allowed me to do the same. I kissed him slowly, the pads of my fingertips brushing the third ring in his palm.

"Hurry up!" Dan called back to us through the trees. "We're almost there. I can practically see it."

"See what, exactly?" Kyle called back to him, linking my fingers with his and keeping pace with me to catch up.

Dan met us back halfway along the trail. He looked a bit sickly, but he was doing a very good job at masking it with his smile. "There's a whole lot out here that you guys haven't seen, 'cos you never come hiking with me."

"You're not  _supposed_  to be hiking." I caught him around the waist with my free arm and pulled him against my side. He giggled and laid his head on my shoulder. "Don't tell me you've been going against the doctor's orders."

"Me? Never." He said innocently, nuzzling my jaw. "I sit at home and vegetate like a good boy."

"I'm sure." Kyle teased, and Dan swatted at him playfully. 

We chatted and stuck close to each other until the grassy forest floor started to slope down. Dan pointed to just a few yards ahead of us where a pond lay dark and still, surrounded by light green grass and canopied by pine trees. The surface of the water was so still, it was almost like glass.

The pond was big enough to have a little dock on the edge of is, and that's where Dan lead us to. We stood at the very edge of the wood and gazed into the water.

"This is where I usually come during the day, when you guys are at work." Dan said quietly. The softness of his voice seemed appropriate, as though we were in a cathedral before mass. "I don't know, it just seems like such a peaceful place. No matter how awful things get, this spot has always been a comfort. And I just wanted you to know that it's here."

In case we needed to find peace. In case we needed a quiet place to listen for his voice after it was gone. In case the reality of his death was too strong, and we needed a place that felt like a fairy tale to soften the blow. 

He was thinking about leaving. He was worrying over what would happen to us when we were alone with our grief, while we worried about him and his end. But there was never a better time to put some of those fears to sleep. Kyle squeezed my hand, and I knew he was on the same page.

Dan had his back to us, staring out at the water. Kyle and I both got down onto one knee. We moved silently, as if we had planned this. When the only plans we made were to buy the rings and somehow convince Dan to marry us. I let Kyle hold the ring up, placing a hand on his knee for comfort. We waited for Dan.

It didn't take him long to notice we had gotten unusually quiet. He looked over his shoulder with an expression of concern, which quickly flipped to shock. He stared at us like he couldn't quite figure out what the hell we were doing.

"We want you to marry us." Kyle said, the slightest quiver to his voice. "Stay with us forever. No matter what happens or where you go, we'll keep these rings as a promise to you. We love you, Dan. And we're always going to love you. We're going to be incomplete without you, but having this little promise... It will help us feel close to you no matter what."

"There's not enough time to father up a ceremony, or even to go through the court battles to make it legal to bind us together. But if it's good enough for you, it's good enough for us, petal." I lifted up his left hand delicately. "What do you say?"

Slowly, Dan sank down to his knees in front of us. His eyes were gleaming with tears, glassy like the pond behind him. He didn't say a word as Kyle slipped the golden band onto his finger, just clutched each of our hands in both of his. I had seen him get emotional since all this started, of course. I had seen him come close to a breakdown, but he was always able to dodge around it. Now, that didn't seem to be the case. He started to cry. And then he couldn't stop.

Kyle and I drew him close to us, holding him before the pond as he broke down against us. He seemed to be letting out all the pain now, unable to pause except for harsh coughing fits. But we were patient and soothing. Here, it didn't feel like there were precious increments of time slipping away. Time froze for us now, long enough for emotions to show and promises to be made.

It was almost comforting to see Dan finally have a break in his stoic attitude. Seeing him constantly acting like his own death didn't bother him was wearing me thing. I just wanted to see that he gave a shit about himself, that he was just as scared as we were. That he didn't want to leave anymore than we wanted him to. It was heartbreaking, but oddly gave me a sense of peace that the pond couldn't.

When Dan was forced to quiet down because his failing lungs simply couldn't take it, Kyle moved him back so he could look at us. Dan took deep, ragged breaths, wiping his eyes and trying to bring his smile back.

"I don't have any vows planned. I don't think Kyle does either." I paused for him, and Kyle shook his head. Dan laughed softly. "Yeah, we're properly unprepared. But we love you more than anything, petal. We want to be tied to you not just for the rest of your life, but ours as well. Until we're all together again, we promise to never stop loving you exactly as we do now."

Instead of bringing joy to Dan's face, he crumpled once again. He covered his face with his hands, his shoulders jumping every now and again with a sob. "I was so scared." He whimpered in a voice that was uncharacteristically small.

"Scared of what, sweetheart?" Kyle asked, guiding Dan's hands down from his face.

Dan sniffled, looking up at us with those deep blue eyes that I adored. "Scared that you wouldn't stay together when I left. But also scared that you might... Might forget me. I don't want you being sad all the time when I'm gone, but I don't want you to always love me if it doesn't hurt too bad-!"

I couldn't tell who grabbed him first to pull him back to us. The words out of his mouth were like a slap across the face, and tears stung my eyes while I tried to stop his.

"Listen, Dan. Loving you has never hurt. Life has hurt all of us, especially you. But loving you has been as easy as it was in the beginning. All three of us were meant for each other, and it will stay that way no matter what happens."

I didn't know where the words were pouring from, but they seemed to be what Dan needed to hear. He quieted it down once more, clinging to us with every ounce of his nominal strength.

Suddenly, Dan said, "I do."

"What's that?" Kyle asked, stroking his back.

Dan sat back, smiling a little bit brighter. "That's what you gotta say to make it official, right? So we're husbands? So, say it. And we'll be married."

Kyle chuckled. "Right. I do, I absolutely do."

They looked at me, and I smiled. "I do."

"I do, too." Dan gave both of us a kiss in turn. I was a little concerned with how cold his lips were, but I didn't bring it up. This was important. 

Dan admired the simple gold band, his eyes bright and cheeks flushed with a little bit of color. I wanted to remember him exactly like this. No hair, sort of sickly, but our husband nonetheless. People always talked about remembering their loved ones before diagnosis, before the sickness ravaged them, but I didn't want that. I wanted him exactly as he was now.

As the morning wore on, we stayed at the pond. We sat on the dock and watched the water as thought it would move. We explored the area around it,and I taught my brand new husbands how to skip stones across the water. The morning was calm after the flurry of emotions. Even so, I could see Dan getting more and more tired. Even the littlest things were exhausting him, wearing out his body and lungs.  It was time to go home and hope this didn't worsen his fragile condition.

"Time to go back. I'm hungry." I said, casually masking my concern. Dan would feel guilty if he knew I wanted to leave for his sake.

"Can I help make breakfast?" Dan asked Kyle, hugging on to his arms. "And we can hand feed it to Will, like of those sexy movies-"

"Yes to helping," Kyle cut him off, "No to whatever else was going to come out, you weirdo."

I shrugged. "I kind of liked where that was going." Kyle elbowed me in the ribs, and I paid him back with a kiss on the cheek.

Our banter was just lighthearted enough that Dan didn't really think twice when Kyle said, "Hey petal, hop on my back. I'll carry you home."

He did as he was told, wrapping his arms around Kyle's neck and almost immediately closing his eyes. "Onward, Ky." He mumbled sleepily.

Kyle smiled a bit. "As you wish."

I walked close beside the two, my hand placed lightly between Dan's shoulder blades in case he started to slip. Kyle held him steady, though, over the bumpy path.

When we came through the trees at the top of the hill, the sun had finally broke over the top of the gulch. It hovered over the top of our little house and the forest behind like a halo, shining on our faces and warming our skin.

The sudden break of light made Dan blink back awake. He looked over Kyle's shoulder, his his eyes half closing again. "This is my favorite view." Dan told us. We both stopped walking, taking a moment to actually look at the scenery instead of rushing him back home. It was beautiful bathed in the morning light. From atop the hill, there was a perfect view of the garden that bordered our house, a lovely harmony of color with the light wood exterior. Further away from the house was the big oak tree we planted as a sapling that sprouted far beyond what we expected it to. And beside that was the bench swing we moved from the porch to the shade of the tree so we could relax and watch the forest. It wasn't a whole lot, but it was ours. And from up here we could see it all.

Dan buried his face against the back of Kyle's neck, already fast asleep once again. But we stood at the top, quiet and somber.

"Here." Kyle whispered, his eyes on the house. "He should be here."

"We'll have to ask him." I said just to be the nagging voice of reason, but I agree thoroughly. 

"He should be here." Kyle echoed as if I said nothing.

Dan always said he didn't care what we did with his body when he was dead. He didn't have much family, none that would notice if he passed. He wasn't religious, so he had no preference if he was cremated or buried. He even joked he didn't care if we kept him in the deep freezer in the shed so long as we didn't get caught. At the time, we didn't laugh. But i had grown to appreciate his cynical humor.

Regardless, he left it up to us to decide where to place him. We talked about a couple little cemeteries on the edge of town, and also just cremating him and keeping the ashes at home. But neither options really seemed to suit how we would want to have his memory preserved. He wouldn't settle well in a designated plot of ground surrounded by strangers, and he would probably haunt us if we displayed his ashes like a trophy on our mantle.

"He could look over the house from up here." Kyle said quietly. "He would like that."

I nodded. "He would want to be home."

Kyle's eyes glistened in the morning sun with tears. I kissed his cheek, then gave Dan's sleeping face a few kisses. He was so deeply asleep that he didn't stir, and his forehead was warm with the beginnings of a fever. It wouldn't be long now.

 

\---

 

Dan had three novels out in the world. When I met him, he was drunk enough to boast about them straight away. That memory always embarrassed him, but I probably wouldn't have even spoke to him he didn't bring it up. I had always loved to read. The idea of knowing or even possibly dating an author thrilled me. And before the night was out, we both met Kyle who had the most magical laugh and still used words like 'groovy'.

Back then, I was a younger and wilder man. I grabbed them both and told them, "I'm gonna take you home." I had no intentions of starting a polyamorous relationship. I never preferred one of them over the other. It wasn't until much later while having a movie night with them that I even realized what was happening. I had my head in Dan's lap, watching some slasher film while Kyle was kissing Dan and stroking his fingers through my hair. It hit me that I had never been on an isolated date with either of them, and I didn't really have a desire to. I felt selfish, but I wanted them both. I was lucky enough that when I brought it up they both couldn't agree more.

Five years, two novels, and a lot of emotional turmoil had aged us beyond our years. Dan had gotten diagnosed and went into partial remission, and then had it come back with a vengeance. Most of the time we knew him he was sick. We still wouldn't dream of leaving him. We wanted every second we could get.

Today, Dan wanted to work on his last novel. He woke up with a bad fever, but he still sat up at his desk, typing away. Kyle checked up on him periodically and brought him water and pills. I watched him worry and pace while Dan worked into the late morning as I just sat by and accepted that there wasn't much that I could do. If Dan wanted to work, then he would. He wouldn't let literally dying stop him.

"Kyle, come sit." I told him after watching him pace from the room for about the third time in ten minutes. "You'll wear a hole in the floor."

He glanced at the office door, then trudged over and sat beside me on the couch. I didn't take it personally, I wished Dan would come be with us as well. But we weren't the ones with limited time. We didn't get to decide how he spent it. All that we could do was wait for him to finish.

I tried to focus on anything but the time. Kyle edged closer and curled up at my side, his head resting on my chest. I could smell the citrus shampoo he kept, while Dan and I just used whatever men's 3-in-1 shit we thought looked coolest. I pulled him up closer, resting my mouth against the top of his head. 

"I'm glad you'll be here." I said softly. "After... After everything."

Kyle froze up, quiet for a long time. When he did speak gain, his voice was timid. "You mean... You really wanna stay together?"

"What?" I looked down at him. "What do you mean? Of course I do. I wasn't just saying things, sweetheart."

"Neither was I." Kyle said quickly. He pushed himself up, straddling my hips with his legs. He looked down at me, his eyes swimming with tears. "I just... I guess it all sounds great now, but I didn't know how it would be after Dan's gone. I didn't know if you would... Still want me without him, I guess. It sounds really stupid when I say it. but I thought things might be different."

I put my hands on his thighs and gave them a light squeeze, shaking my head. "Lots of things are going to change, for sure. But the fact that I love you won't. God, Kyle, losing both of you at once would be too much to bear. I would be an absolute wreck without you."

I realized how little we actually talked about this together. I felt terrible that Kyle thought there was even a chance of me ditching him. The only comfort I had in this whole ordeal was that I would be able to keep him for the rest of my tears. He was the only other person in the world who knew Dan like I did, who would want to keep his memory alive. And very simply, I loved him. Dan leaving wasn't going to magically make it stop.

"I'm sorry I didn't make this clearer. I want to stay with you, right here in our home. I want to grow old with you." I smiled a little. "Maybe you'd consider taking our marriage to the court and making it official."

Kyle linked our fingers together, leaning over me and gazing into my eyes. "I'd like that. You know, I'm not mad you didn't say anything before now. There's been a lot more important things to talk about. We can talk about all this after."

"You're just as important, Kyle."

"No. Not right now I'm not. Dan is the priority. We have plenty of time to be in love, but only so much time to be in love with him." He let go of my hands then held up his pinky finger. "Just swear you'll be in love with me still when it's all said and done."

Without hesitation, I linked my pink around his. "I swear."

"Good." Kyle closed the distance between us, pressing his warm lips to mine firmly. Our lives recently had been lots of chaste kisses in passing while we were wrapped up in other things. I had almost forgotten what it was like to be kissed with all the fire in his heart. 

Time was lost to us for a while. Everything was a blissful haze of our mouths moving together in a familiar pattern until Kyle sat up suddenly and broke my focus. "Hey!" He said with a breathless laugh, looking across the living room. I followed his gaze to see Dan about halfway to the kitchen, cradling Callie to his chest. 

"Oh please, don't step on my account." He said with a snicker, shuffling into the kitchen. "I was enjoying the show."

We looked at each other, and Kyle shook his head with a little smile. He picked up my hand and kissed the knuckle above my pinky finger. I smiled warmly and helped him climb off the couch so he could join Dan in the kitchen. I laid on the couch a while, listening to the two of them talk softly and move around in the kitchen. I closed my eyes, exhaling slowly. The sound of my house, my family was the most soothing thing.

The house stilled and went quiet. Kyle was whispering to Dan, only accompanied by the sound of a spoon bumping against the side of a mug as it was stirred.

A roll of thunder made my eyes snap open. I turned my head and looked out the sliding glass door, noticing properly for the first time that the sky was overcast, hanging heavy with the threat of rain.

"There's a storm coming!" Dan shouted, followed quickly by a cough. He bolted around the corner and to the glass door, stumbling a bit from getting excited too fast. He was still holding Callie, plopping onto the ground and sitting cross-legged. "Thank God. I was hoping I would get to see one more."

The warmth I got from his happiness was nearly snuffed out with the blunt reminder of his death. I sat up slowly, watching him anticipating the first drop of rain. He and Callie were as still as statues. He only moved when a bolt of lightning streaked behind the hill. Soon after, the rain broke like a balloon bursting and showered the outside rapidly.

Kyle walked in, standing beside Dan and watching the droplets with him. The sight brought back a memory of a couple years previous, early in our relationship the first day Dan received his diagnosis it had rained. We were all in the haze of confusion and fear that afternoon we returned home with papers and prescriptions. Every time the thunder rolled, Dan would flinch. 

That day, I felt absolutely useless. What did you tell a man who just got his death sentence? It was beyond me. I didn't even know what was going through his head. All I knew was that he jumped when thunder rattled our tiny third story apartment, and that was something I  _could_ help with.

That was the first time Dan and Kyle found out I played guitar. It was a talent that years of getting the life sucked out of me in an office setting had buried. that day, I played and sang until my fingers were raw, and my throat hurt. It was all I could do to distract Dan and Kyle from not only the storm, but the scary thoughts that jumped out in their brains like thunder. So it was enough. 

Dan wasn't afraid of storms anymore. He faced them head on, even got excited to see nature raging outside our windows. Even though there was nothing much to distract him from, I thought it was a habit at this point. It rained, and I sang.

My husbands sat together, Kyle in Dan's lap with Callie nestled against Dan's chest. While they watched, I went quietly into the office. I stepped aorund the chaotic stacks of paper carefully to the closet and opened the doors. We packed old memories and excess papers inside, things that would be painful to have to clear away upon his death. Behind it all, I grabbed the hold hard case that I covered in band stickers when I was a teenager. I hauled it out and undid the latches. The lid came open and revealed my black Gibson still in perfect condition. I lifted it out carefully and put the strap over my head. The weight of it on my knee and the smooth finish under my hand was simply therapeutic.

I came back into the living room with my guitar and took a seat beside my lovers in front of the glass door. Callie growled at me, and I stuck my tongue out at her.

"You singin'?" Dan's eyes were gleaming, but he stayed resting against Kyle. I was painfully aware he didn't have the strength to sit up. He did reach into the pocket of his hoodie and pulled out that damned tape recorder. "Wait. I wanna document this. It's been so long."

I chuckled as he hit record. "It's tradition, Dan. We can't give up on tradition. What do you guys wanna hear?"

Dan looked up at Kyle, who kissed his forehead. "I don't mind. You pick."

He thought a while, stroking Callie's fur. "Maybe... Oh, I know. Can you still play Such Great Heights?"

"Possibly." I said, plucking the strings and tuning them until they were close enough to being in tune. "You can't be staring at me like that, though. I'll get stage fright."

They both laughed. "What a baby." Kyle teased, but they both faced the window. Dan peaked at me around Kyle's arm, and I winked at him. He giggled and looked away once more. 

The three of us sat on the floor with the gentle patter of rain in the background. I kept my eyes on my hands plucking out a few chords carefully until it matched the melody in my head. I closed my eyes, matching the tempo and relaxing my shoulders.

" _I am thinking it's a sign, that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images. And when we kiss they're perfectly aligned._ " I sang softly, nearly overpowered by the sound of my guitar. I was rusty, but all in all I didn't think it sounded too terrible. I didn't dare glance up to see what my boys thought of it. " _And I have to speculate, that God himself did make us into corresponding shapes. Like puzzle pieces from the clay. And true, it may seem like a stretch. But it's thoughts like this that catch my troubled head when you're away. When I am missing you to death._ "

I had been stoic and strong through this whole thing. I had to, I wanted to for the sake of the men I loved. They needed an anchor, and I was capable. But playing one of Dan's favorite songs now hit me so painfully hard that I was afraid I would just lose it right then and there. I got the strong sense that this would be the last time.

" _When you are out there on the road, for several weeks of shows. And when you scan the radio, I hope this song will guide you home._ "

Home. I told Dan that first night I would take Kyle and him home. It wasn't a home until I invited them both to stay. Any space was just a space when I inhabited it by myself. It only became meaningful with them there. 

" _They will see us waving from such great heights. Come down now, they'll say. But everything seems perfect from far away. Come down now, but we'll stay._ "

Now, I dared to look up. Just a few seconds. Kyle had his arms around Dan, holding him close with his eyes closed. And Dan was looking through the glass, his eyes half closed as he stroked Callie idly. The sky outside was gray, but the flashes of lightning glinted on the gold band wrapped around his finger. He looked so tired, gently being edged towards sleep with the mild sound of the guitar.

" _I've tried my best to leave this all on your machine. But the persistent beat, it sounded thin upon listening. And that frankly will not fly. You'll hear the shrillest highs and lowest lows with the windows down, and this is guiding you home._ "

Two deep blue eyes flicked to me now, and I didn't look away. Every second and each tiny thing felt precious. I wanted to remember it all. I wished my brain could be like a camera and document the tiny seconds I would need to look back on when they stopped coming.

" _They will see us waving from such great heights. Come down now, they'll say. But everything looks perfect from far away. Come down now, but we'll stay._ "

Dan smiled tiredly. "Thank you darling. That was beautiful."

I switched off the recorder and handed it to him. "Well, now it's yours to replay as you like."

"It's our song." He said softly, closing his eyes finally. "It's my favorite song."

Neither of them protested when I set the guitar aside. I was glad for that, I didn't have the heart to sing anymore. If I tried I knew my resolve would break. I scooted closer to them, ignoring Callie's hiss and laying my head against Kyle's. The sky outside did what my eyes refused to do and dripped water on the earth. The thunder echoed in the gulch, and the lightning put on a show.

"I'm tired. Can I got to bed?" Dan whispered.

Kyle felt his forehead and a look of alarm crossed his face. "Not feeling well, petal?"

Dan shook his head silently. Kyle's eyes watered, and he looked at me for answers. I cleared my throat of the thump that formed. "It's a shit day out anyway, can't go out. How about we have a movie day and just cuddle in bed?"

Our sick husband tried to laugh, but it was overtaken by a cough. He opened his eyes and gave me a tiny smile. "Yes. That sounds great."

"I'll throw the blanket in the dryer to warm it up." Kyle shooed Callie away so he could transfer Dan into my arms. I understood the concern on his face when I had him in my arms. His whole body was radiating heat, but he was shivering. I stood up and held him like a bride, and he hugged my neck tightly.

While Kyle had a task to do and tears to fight off. I paced the living room with Dan. I thought he had fallen asleep, but after a few moments, he whispered to me. "Will you miss me?"

"What?" I held him a little tighter. "Of course I will. Why are you asking that?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. Just curious." He nuzzled closer to my beck and sighed. "I can't tell what you're feeling. I worry about that."

"You worry that I don't care?" My stomach churned. "Because I do."

"I  _know_  you care, dummy. I know you love me a whole lot. I worry that you won't let the bad stuff show. The emotions that-that hurt a whole lot." He stuttered a little cough, tensing with pain. "It's not good to run from them. They come back twice as hard later."

The ache in my chest swelled with a rush of heat that hit behind my eyes. I tucked my face against his shoulder, the heat pushing my eyes and forcing its way out in tears. I broke. I felt weak, like I shouldn't be behaving like this even though it was perfectly reasonable. Just a simple statement from Dan had shattered me.

"I'm scared," I choked out, muffled by the sweatshirt I was dampening. "I'm so scared. I don't know what I'm going to do without you. And I'm scared about how bad it's gonna hurt. I'm scared that I won't be able to comfort Kyle. I'm absolutely terrified to miss you every single day, petal. I'm so, so scared."

Dan brushed his fingers through my hair and shushed me softly, kissing my wet cheek over and over. "Don't be afraid of all that." He soothed. "It's gonna hurt, but it won't hurt forever. And my dying isn't going to stop the world from turning."

"Yes it is!" I was sobbing harder than I ever thought possible. "You're my world, you're my world. You and Kyle are everything. It's gonna fall apart. I don't know what to do."

Two hands fell gently on my shoulders. I let myself be guided to our bedroom, hardly aware of my feet moving until my knees hit the edge of the bed. Reluctantly, I let Dan go and sat him on the edge of the bed. I fell to my knees in front of him, and Kyle did the same, wrapping his arms around my torso from behind.

"I need to know that I can leave without having to worry about you two." Dan said hoarsely, gripping the blankets and trying to keep himself upright. "I know it's going to suck. But you'll still have each other, right? You can make it if you just stick together. Can you promise me that?"

"I can." Kyle said solemnly. "I'll be okay. And I'll be here for Will."

I didn't know how Kyle could say that. How could he be so sure he would be alright? I didn't know if I would be able to make it past his funeral. I thought I would just go into the hole in the ground with his casket and ask to be buried alive. I didn't take for granted that I would still have Kyle around, but that didn't change the fact that I was losing Dan. I couldn't replace one partner with another. That was never how it worked . While I would still love Kyle, losing Dan would leave a gaping hole in my heart.

Their eyes were on me, expecting some sort of valiant response where I would convince them that everything would be just fine. But I didn't want to lie. Nothing would be okay. I didn't have the strength to assure them with bullshit positivity and forced smiles.

Dan cupped my jaw in his hand and tilted my face up. I looked into those blue eyes and nearly broke into another fit of tears and anguish. What kind of cruel joke was it to give the Earth such an angelic person only to snatch him away so young?

"Tell me you'll be okay."

"I can't tell you that."

He winced. "What can you tell me?"

I dug deep down into my mind and heart, searching for any truth that wouldn't make this harder on him. I wouldn't ever be able to stop loving him. There wouldn't be a second that passed where I wouldn't miss him. And I honestly didn't know if I would ever stop grieving his death. 

But it wasn't about me. I realized what Kyle was doing, saying it was going to be fine, and being convincing. It was for him. He was scared to leave, and we were scared to lose him. We all had to hold ourselves together just long enough to give him peace.

So I smiled, forcing the action onto my lips against my won will. But I did it for Dan. "I can tell you that I will try my best every day to be okay. I'll do it for you."

 

\---

 

Dan didn't make it the full week. I guess I didn't expect him to. I was always ready to dial for an ambulance. Thursday night and into Friday morning, he became so violently sick that we spent most the night on the floor of the bathroom with him. He coughed and vomited for so long that his body was shaking from exhaustion. I held him in my lap and Kyle moved back and forth form the sink with glasses of water and a wet rag to keep him feeling a bit better. 

But his coughing only got more ravaging, splattering blood into his palm. We were already properly wound up by that when Dan's temperature spiked, and he became less responsive. That's when we decided to call for help.

The forest was so peaceful, the wail of a siren sounded twice as loud. I wasn't used to how the lights of emergency vehicles looked flashing across our lawn, or seeing Dan wheeled away on a stretcher. 

Kyle watched from the sliding glass door while Dan was getting loaded into the back of the ambulance. I walked up beside him, placing a hand on his back. "You riding with him?" I asked.

He shook his head slowly, leaning against me. "Can you drive please?" He whispered, grabbing my hand tightly.

"Of course." I grabbed my car keys off of the table and walked with Kyle outside. We locked up our little house, unsure if we would be returning without Dan. We got into the car. Before I could even start it, Kyle was crying. 

The ambulance took off, but I waited in the dark car with my arms around Kyle. He cried a lot now, we all did. There was a lot to be sad about. But his tears were different now. They absolutely shattered my heart.

"This is it, isn't it?" Kyle sobbed into my shoulder, pulling on my jacket. "I can't do this, Will. I can't watch him go like this. I don't want him to... Oh, God..."

"He's not gone, not yet." I tried to soothe him, but it only made him cry harder.

"He's leaving," Choking on his tears and shaking, Kyle slumped against me as if he was giving up completely. "I don't want him to die, Will. I'm so scared. I'm not ready. I'm just not."

I grabbed Kyle around the waist and pulled him into my seat. It was a tight fit for two full grown men, but I made it work to have him as close as possible. 

"I know you're scared. I am too. But Dan is probably more scared than the two of us combined. He needs us, Kyle. And he needs us to be strong for him. We have all the time in the world to be sad and miss him, but only so much time to actually have him. We've got to hold it together."

"I can't," He said against my beck. "I don't want to. I don't want to see him go."

I shook my head and rocked him slightly. "I don't either. There's no choice, baby. So we've got to just accept it and do what we can."

We held each other in the dark until he finally stopped crying. I watched him gather himself together with a steely resolve in the reflection of the windshield. I gave him a little squeeze. "It'll be okay."

"Please don't say that." He kissed the corner of my mouth, then maneuvered back into his own seat. "I can't bear to hear you lie to me."

 

\---

 

Walking into the hospital, I had the distinct feeling it would be for the last time. It gave me a lot of peace, actually. The suffering would stop for my poor husband. And the anxiety that the bland tan walls gave me would finally be banished back to memories as opposed to the grim vividness of the present.

Kyle looked to be holding up fairly well. Our fingers were intertwined as we took the familiar walk to Dan's room.

Dan was stable, but only just. They were working on bringing his fever down at the moment and keeping him from passing until we got there. He looked so small and fragile laying with only a thin blanket to cover him. The doctors informed us that he hadn't woken up yet, and they weren't sure that he would.

The room was so quiet without his laughter. Kyle kissed his forehead, then stepped back to my side. "Do you think he's still there?" He asked me softly.

Truthfully, I nodded. "I think so."

We sat on the poorly padded chairs lined along the door, our eyes trained on him for any sign that he was waking. 

Minutes turned into hours, and my eyes were battling to stay open. Kyle hugged my arm and rested his head against my shoulder. "I have to sleep for a bit." He mumbled, going slack even as he spoke. I nodded wordlessly and rested my cheek against the top of his head. I intended to stay awake and keep and eye on Dan, but the whole night was catching up to me now. I closed my eyes.

It felt like only seconds later when crying woke me up. I thought it was Kyle, so I shifted and kissed the top of his head drowsily, touching his cheek. But his skin was dry, and he sighed peacefully in his sleep. I opened my eyes and blinked at the only other person in the room.

Dan was awake. He had his face turned to the window, which was streaming in the afternoon sun. It glinted off the tears on his cheeks and illuminated his chest as it heaved with painful cries.

"Dan?" I asked softly. "What's wrong?"

He turned his head to look at me. His blue eyes were rimmed red, and his bottom lip shook. He opened his mouth to speak, closed it, then opened it again. "I don't... I don't want to die here."

My heart shattered. No, of course he wouldn't. He hated it here, hated that he couldn't be in the home we three built together. With the garden he brought up from the earth, and the forest, and Callie. The place where he wrote novels of epic proportions. The place where he loved us, and we loved him. A little haven in the threes that was ours.

Kyle shifted to sit up, yawning. "What's going on?"

I had my eyes locked with Dan's, and I smiled a bit. "We're taking him home."

 

\---

 

No one put up a fight when we announced our departure with Dan. His doctor helped us sign out, giving me a knowing look at he took the papers. Dan was dying, and it would be any time now. People rarely got the chance to pick where they spent their last moments. He wasn't going to deny Dan this.

"We can send on ambulance in the morning to collect him, if you'd like." His doctor said, putting a hand on my shoulder. "He's not going to make it through the night."

"I guess that would be best." I agreed.

We wheeled Dan out in a wheelchair to the loading area, then Kyle carried him the rest of the way to the car. He sat in the passenger seat with Dan in his lap, holding the thin man tightly and ignoring his seat belt. I didn't scold them for it.

The drive back home was quiet. Dan didn't even cough, just dozed with his fist closed on the front of Kyle's shirt. Kyle watched grimly out the front window as we took the twisting dirt road up to our home.

When I parked the car, the sun was beginning to set over the pine trees behind our house. I took a deep breath, looking over at my boys. "Well?"

"I want to watch the sunset on the swing, please." Dan whispered. "And I would love it if you'd sing for me, Will."

I smiled at him. "Sounds like the perfect end to the day, petal."

We made it happen for him. Kyle got blankets and pillows, setting them out on the swing to make it as comfortable as possible. When it was as good as it was going to get, he carried Dan out and the two of them waited for me to join them.

I took my time grabbing the guitar. My hands were shaking and sweaty, and the pure fear of having to face Dan dying was suffocating me. God, I wasn't ready. But I had to remind myself that I wouldn't ever be, and the huge amounts of pain that was guaranteed to come. I was terrified to hurt. Terrified to see Kyle's heart shatter. Terrified to face a world without Dan in it. What kind of life would I lead from here?

Now wasn't the time to worry about it. I took a few deep breathes, then walked out the back door. I made my way slowly across the grass to the single oak tree at the end of the yard. The bench swing faced the forest, and the beautiful sunset that was painted across the sky. Dan was sitting in Kyle's lap, his head tucked under the other man's chin. Despite looking like he was on death's door, his blue eyes sparkled when I sat down beside them.

"Make a request." I said, smiling at Dan even though it hurt me. 

He smiled back. "I think you know what I'll say."

"I have an idea." My fingers strummed the familiar patterns of our song, and I looked over at the forest. Surprisingly now, I didn't have my usual stage fright. I moved my eyes back to Dan and Kyle, who had their full attention on me.

" _I'm thinking it's a sign..._ "

My voice carried away from us, in the forest with the breeze. Like Dan's hair when we shaved it off on the back porch. I sang without fear now, without worry. We could have spent the time talking about how much we loved each other, and empty promises of things being okay. But this made us  _feel_  the love we shared, and eased the fear for a while.

When the song was over, I kept strumming. No singing, just mindless little tones that formed at my fingertips to send the sun away with gentle fanfare. There wasn't much to say, but a whole lot to listen to. The wind in the branches, or the summer bugs chirping in the tall grass.

And until the sun became a red smudge behind the dark pines, there was no need to speak. Dan was peacefully quiet, fighting to keep his eyes open. "Hey guys?" He spoke up, opening his blue eyes. I stopped playing, and Kyle sat up a little straighter. "Thanks for taking me."

I didn't know whether he meant earlier today, or if he was talking about when we all first met. Whatever the case, it struck through my heart, and I couldn't fight back my tears. My smile was the only way that I realized that I was still somehow happy. Just so fucking happy that I got all the years I did with Dan. I wouldn't trade those moments away for anything int he world. 

"You're the one who really made it a home." Kyle placed a kiss to his brow. "We should be thanking you."

Dan laughed softly. "That's not true. We did that together, didn't we? It's our home."

"And it will always belong to the three of us. No matter where we go, or for how long. This is home. This is ours." Those words came from absolutely nowhere, but it felt right. The genuine, loving smile on Dan's mouth was worth it. I couldn't help but lean forward and steal a quick kiss. His mouth was so cold, and being closer I could see how he was suffering despite his smile. 

"I love our home." He said dreamily, his eyes beginning to close as he gazed up at the forest. "I love you both."

"We love you too, Dan. More than anything." Kyle whispered. I set aside my guitar and scooted closer to them, draping my arm across the back of the swing so I could be support for Kyle, and have my hand on Dan's frail back. Kyle was holding one of Dan's hands, and I placed my free one over theirs. We held each other, bracing for the moment that couldn't even be addressed with a goodbye.

"I'm really tired." Dan whispered.

"You can sleep, petal." Kyle soothed him. "We'll be right here. We've got you."

Dan smiled, barely visible in the dim light, and then closed his weary eyes.

 

\---

 

**One Year Later.**

 

I awoke in an empty bed. I reached out for any feeling of warm skin or ruffled pajama shirt laying opposite me. But the bed was vacant, and my fingers grabbed onto cold sheets. My eyes forced themselves open, slowly focusing on the other side that was made up neatly.

It wasn't uncommon for Kyle to be gone before I woke on the weekends. Which was fine, but I missed having someone to cuddle when I woke. But since Dan left, Kyle had a hard time sitting still. He had to keep going to keep his mind occupied from the bad things, and scary thoughts. I respected that. We each coped in very different ways. He handled his own, while I had to rely on medications. Both our methods worked pretty well for us.

My body protested getting out of bed, but it wasn't worth staying there without company. So I stood up and stretched, listening to the silent house. No chatter from the TV or radio, just the warm summer morning. Outside, the mountain birds sang along with the crickets. The easy sounds of mid July.

The living room was also vacant. The novel Kyle was reading lay face down on the table in front of the couch, and beside was a half-empty mug of coffee. He was around the house somewhere then, probably just distracted by whatever task that popped into his mind.

I shuffled into the kitchen and poured myself a cup of coffee to help shake my brain awake. The smell alone of Dan's favorite French vanilla blend brought a familiar pang to my heart. It was dumb, but I kept drinking it so that I could feel closer to him. I didn't even like the stuff. 

But I sipped on it anyway and paced over to the back porch. I stepped outside on the weird carpet and gazed across our backyard to the forest. The grass faded from green to yellow the further from the house it got, and the wild parts of the it rustled like a whisper with the breeze. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath of the warm air and letting it out slowly. And in the quiet and peace, I missed the disruption of Dan's voice, and his laugh.

Kyle came from around the side of the porch, muttering to himself and trying not to step on Callie. The calico weaved between his legs and meowed loudly for his attention. 

"Mornin' early bird." I greeted.

He was carrying a large basket brimming with vegetables, and nearly dropped them at the sound of my voice. "Hey, you're up." He laughed, shaking his head. "Sorry. I was a bit lost in my thoughts."

"Thoughts of what?" I placed a kiss on his sun-warmed lips when he joined me on the porch. He smelled like soil and pine trees, and very faintly of his citrus shampoo.

When my mouth parted from his, he looked me dead in the eyes. "Eggplants."

I blinked. "What?"

Kyle retrieved on of the purple plants from his basket and placed it in my hands. I awkwardly set my mug down and inspected it. "Eggplants. We have about five of them. Five! Do you even like eggplants?"

"Can't say I really know." I grinned and took the basket from his arms to carry inside. Kyle held the door for me, clicking his tongue impatiently and glaring at the basket.

"I fucking hate them. And we have  _five_. What the hell am I gonna do with them?"

"Well, why did you plant them?"

Kyle paused for a moment, watching me set the basket on the kitchen counter. "I didn't. Dan did a couple years ago. But I have no idea what he ever did with them. I never cooked anything with that nasty stuff."

We silently set about washing his pickings from the garden. He scrubbed them gently at the sink, and I dried them and laid them in rows on the counter. The mention of Dan didn't go without pain, but also brought overwhelming feelings of love. "You miss him?" I asked, wiping off a tomato.

Kyle chuckled. "Every day I miss him a little bit more. I just wish I knew what he did with those fucking eggplants..."

I smiled at him, but he was focused on scrubbing off dirt from the vegetable he was cursing. I paused my drying and just admired him for a while. The sun from the window above the sink made his tan skin glow, and the bright undertones of his eyes shine through. His brows were set low with concentration, whether on his task or what our partner may have said in passing about eggplants, I didn't know. But he was beautiful regardless, and I got lost watching him.

It was a while before he noticed that I had stopped. He looked at me in confusion. "What?"

"You're cute." I replied. "I'm just appreciating it."

Kyle's cheeks flushed red. He focused back on his eggplant, scrubbing with a little more vigor. "Shut up. Keep working."

I kissed his cheek. "Yes sir."

We stood close together at the sink, our arms and hips bumping here and there while we worked. We had mastered the comfortable silence without Dan, and learned to live in a house that felt so big without him there. I missed the good things, and the things that usually frustrated me. Like the papers he left on the floor, or the toilet paper facing the wrong direction, or how he would forget to roll up his car windows in the summer. Any little thing that made my heart wander back to him.

Kyle set about finding room for the new vegetables in the fridge, and I wandered to the living room. Callie was waiting by the glass odor, looking for Dan. She didn't mind me now, but I supposed it was because she was lonely. I sat behind her and stroked her fur. "You wait there every day." I said softly, scratching that special spot under her jaw. "I hope you didn't have a concept of disappointment."

"Stop making the cat question her existence." Kyle called from the kitchen. "That's why she leaves dead mice on the porch."

I scooped Callie up in my arms, touching my nose to hers. " _It's okay to eat fish..._ "

" _They don't have feelings._ " Kyle finished singing, making me laugh. Callie stared at us with wide eyes, her tail flicking back and forth. She wiggled out of my arms and decided weaving around Kyle's legs was a lot more interesting than waiting by the door for another day for Dan to walk through. 

While Kyle danced around her, humming Nirvana to himself and flipping through a cookbook with an eggplant tucked under his arm, I opened the glass door to let in the warm breeze. This was the sound of our homes these days, the wind in the trees and the absence of Dan. A year ago, I couldn't fathom what it would be like without him here. Now I knew. And I often found myself waiting by the door like Callie, gazing down the road like he might just walk up it and back into our home. Like he did the day we came home and found him missing. 

"I think I found a recipe. We could bake them... God that looks horrendous." He sighed, leaning against the counter and flipping a couple more pages. "You know why there's no recipes?"

"Because it's disgusting?" I guessed, watching out the window and down the gulch.

Kyle snapped his fingers. "Exactly. You get me. I love you and stuff."

I snickered, looking over my shoulder at him. "Love you and stuff too. You're still going to try it, aren't you?"

My husband propped open the book, already pouring over the contents and mapping out a plan in his head. "You bet your ass. I will somehow make eggplant taste good."

I abandoned my position by the door and came back into the kitchen with Kyle. He was already trying to tie his apron on, but was slipping while he focused on reading. I chuckled and tied the strings for him, placing a kiss to the back of his neck. "I have complete faith in you." 

The kitchen quickly filled with the smell of his cooking. I didn't care what he was making, I would eat it all the same. I didn't take for granted that I had him around to cook for me. I just sat by and watched him work, staying out of his way and only touching the preparation when I was specifically told to. I learned that over the years the hard way.

Everything was as normal for a Saturday evening. I sat on the counter and tossed bits of food at Kyle while he tried to work, and we talked about our weeks. He was still at the same place, while I stopped working a while ago to focus on getting my mental health into a better place. He found solace in keeping busy, and I found it taking it one day at a time. 

Things didn't stay normal for too long. Outside, I heard a soft rumbling sound, getting closer as the seconds passed. I eased up on my tormenting Kyle for a second and looked out the open front door with a frown. "We expecting company?" I asked, hopping off the counter and padding over to the glass door. I could hear it clearly now, the rumble of an engine. No one came up this way anymore, not this far. 

Kyle dropped something onto the floor. He hurried over to my side and gripped my arm, staring intently down the road. "No, we... Do you think...?"

A smile widened across my face as the shape of a yellow taxi came around the corner of the road. "Yeah. It's him."

We could hardly contain ourselves, running down the steps and the driveway to wait by the edge of the road. Things had been so quiet recently without him, and I couldn't wait for the sound. The endless stories of things he saw, the music he learned, and the speeches he gave. Our home would finally be filled with the trinkets he always hoarded when he traveled the country to do signings and meetings for his books. Callie would go back to hating me since she got the unconditional love of her human back. Hell, maybe Kyle could finally learn where those eggplants went, or why they were still growing them. The taxi came to an easy stop, and we waited anxiously at the back door open.

When it did, I was taken back to the moment we sat in the doctor's office and got told Dan had gone into remission. The night we took him home, we swore he was dying. But his fever broke the next day, and the progression we thought had evaded him finally came. It only took two months past that point to bring him to full remission. Not partial. Complete. He had his life back, and we didn't have to say goodbye.

Dan barely closed the door before we tackled him against the side of the taxi, covering him in kisses and welcoming him home. He laughed, pushing at us with half-hearted protests. "Guys, guys! Chill out, I'm home early. I was only gone two weeks."

"Two weeks too many." I said firmly, but gave him a quick kiss. "Get your ass inside. Kyle was just cooking."

Dan shifted his backpack over his shoulder, leaning into Kyle's arms and smiling when I ruffled his short hair. "Oh, what's he got in store? I really missed your cooking. Fancy French restaurants with stuck up authors be damned."

"I'm so flattered. I hope you like eggplants." Kyle said, motioning towards the house. The expression on Dan's face answered him without needing words. I had to try really hard not to laugh as Kyle gaped. "Shut up. Why does the the garden have so many eggplants then?"

Dan shrugged shyly. "I took them up the road to Mrs. Yamada. She always liked them best fresh, so I guess... I never really liked them, though."

Kyle threw his hands up. "Why do I try? I'm throwing it all out. Wait, maybe Callie will eat it."

Dan patted his back sympathetically. "Don't worry about it. I'm sure Will and I can grin and bear it." He looked at the house, and for a moment, his expression flickered to something bittersweet. The late morning was cloudless, and made the house seem to have a sort of glow about it. Maybe I was just really happy to have both my boys back with me. Everything just seemed beautiful. 

My hand was grasped tightly in Dan's, and he gave me a gentle pull towards the house. His fingers were strong now, and his body was more filled out now that he had been off treatment for a while. The dark strands of hair had grown back nicely and he actually kept a style to it. His deep blue eyes no longer held fear or worry. He was happy, and that extended to all of us. I laced my fingers with his and allowed myself to be pulled towards our house. "Come on, loves. Let's go home."

 

**The End**

**Author's Note:**

> this is kind of a thing now? put together a little playlist so here we go. 
> 
>  
> 
> 1\. Haunt - Bastille 
> 
> 2\. American Tradition - Nicole Dollanganger
> 
> 3\. The Only Exception - Paramore
> 
> 4\. Such Great Heights - Iron and Wine
> 
> 5\. Run - Snow Patrol
> 
> 6\. Buzzcut Season - Lorde
> 
> 7\. All I Want - Kodaline
> 
> 8\. To Build a Home - The Cinematic Orchestra 
> 
> 9\. Something in the Way - Nirvana
> 
> 10\. Feel Again - Blue October


End file.
